I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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