You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
