dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
