My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
