I swear she didn't look like that last week.
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
