When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
