Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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