This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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