I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
