I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
