Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
