Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
