ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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