Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
