I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Randomize
