peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
