New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
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