I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
