Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
