Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
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