Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
