I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
