I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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