I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
