You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
