Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
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