i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
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