i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
