i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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