youre lurking in front of me
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
