Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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