dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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