Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
