mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
