There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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