Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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