I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
