Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
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