he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
