i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
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