I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Randomize
