Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
