The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
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