he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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