My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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