they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
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