Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
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