sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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