i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Randomize
