i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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