I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
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