when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Randomize
